maybe it’s because i know that i’m going back, but… being down here has been a nice change. can i live down here long term? i dunno. but who knows what’ll happen.
I realized earlier this week that I need more positive influences in my life. I don’t mean educational TV shows or a big sister sort of influence, but just my peers. I’m surrounded by many cynical, pessimistic, there’s no silver lining at the end of anything, type of people. And I think even worst is that I’m seeing people become more bitter. Granted, I am one of those people as well, but am I a product of my environment or am I really like this? Either way, I realized that something needs to change.
I had a debate with myself (yes, I do that) and another part of me was thinking that maybe I’m just getting closer to these people and we feel that it’s ok to be more open. That’s definitely true, and I appreciate that our relationships are getting deeper. But is it a “misery loves company” kind of relationship? Where we’re bonding through our complaints and angst? Or have we really just grown closer as friends, and this is what happens when you’re closer? You’re more honest, opinionated, real with yourself and those around you.
But I don’t want to just point my finger at those around me and say that they’re the reason that I am who I am because maybe, I’m the reason they are who they are. I realize that the change needs to start with me. Yes the world can suck, and not everything goes our way all the time, but that’s life. It’s how we deal with it that matters. And I don’t want to look back and see that I dealt with something with a disgruntle attitude.
At the same time, I want to start getting to know more people. More… positive people. Maybe as I get to know them they won’t be so positive anymore, but maybe we can sharpen each other. We don’t always have to see something good that happens in one part of our life and look at another part and think, “See! If only that could happen here!” in a very jaded way. Yes, apply what you learn, but I think we, myself included, need to learn how to wipe the slate clean sometimes. Especially when it’s turning us into jaded old shrews.
i was a bit reluctant to go to our leadership conference this past weekend but it turned out to be one of the greatest conferences i’ve ever been to. my church is a part of a network of churches called ami (acts ministries international) and this conference gathered all leaders from all the different churches for one weekend. i knew i was going to be one of the few ppl not married at this conference and that made me feel a bit uneasy but my status actually made the weekend a huge blessing. dr. steve lee, a missionary in kenya, was our guest speaker, and as always, it was great listening to him. his wisdom and insight on life is staggering. but i think the best part of the entire weekend was my single sex small group. i wasn’t the greatest sg member – coming to all our meeting times, sitting together during service, sharing as much as others, but just being with them and hearing from them was great. i was of course the youngest. out of the 8 of us, 6 were married and one was engaged. out of the 6, two were pastor’s wives. i finally saw first hand what i now believe a godly woman leader is. in the midst of their struggles (past and present) they have come out learning so much and now know how to apply it not only to themselves but to other sisters as well. and those with their present struggles are able to take what they know is Truth and cling to that.
the conference ended saturday and that sunday, one of the pastors whose wife was in my sg, came to speak at our church. afterwards, i finally mustered up the courage to ask her to pray for me. this was my first time ever asking to be prayed for. whenever we have those “come to the front to receive prayer” times, i rarely go up, and when i do, it’s with such hesitation. but i knew it was now or never since they were going back to cali that afternoon. she prayed and shared the image she was getting. what she said was right on the money; it was scary but so comforting to hear what God wanted to say through her. afterwards, we talked a bit more and i found out that she also used to work as staff at her church for two years and was able to understand very well the frustrations that i have.
being staff at my church is hard because not only is this role new to me, but it’s new to everyone else. so people always ask, “so… what exactly do you do?” with that look of confusion/”is there really much to do?” but at this conference, i met ppl who come from churches who have staff and whenever i said it, it was understood. in a way, i felt more accepted, and it made me feel like being on staff wasn’t some crazy idea. i haven’t felt this way in a while, but i think this is what people refer to as ‘refreshed.’ i feel a lot better going into this year of serving but still scared and hesitant. i know this weekend can’t cure all the problems that i have, but it gave me hope, and i think that’s my first step. let’s see how things pan out…
i’ve been emailing back and forth with this guy who needed a cellist for a piece he had composed and needed recording. it’s been a month since we first started talking about it and finally, last week, i get an email saying he’s ready to record me. i take a nice long lunch break and trek out to brooklyn where his apt (and his recording equipment) is. first time on the J,M,Z train! i get there, we strike up conversation about how long i’ve been playing the cello and what made him want to compose pieces. turns out, he’s trying to get a grant to put on some hungarian music concert in the park and different venues (random). soon the bassist comes and we’re talking about what we do for a living and how our music fits into it.
we drank some beer, recorded some music, and talked some more. it was a fun two hours.
talking about all these jazz musicians, concerts they’ve been to, and shows the bassist is playing for, reminded me of why i appreciate nyc. i’ve been here for so long but never really took in its culture and lifestyle. these people have their day jobs that they may or may not enjoy, but their nights and weekends are dedicated to something that they love. i wish i could say the same for my nights and weekends that are, more often than not, taken up by church ministry. there was a time when i thought ministry was how i enjoyed spending my time. i still do, but i have so many other interests as well that i’ve shelved because of it. when i felt this way in the past, i always tried my best to make ministry my love again, but now… i don’t know if i want to anymore.
some may say that i’m ‘not doing well with God’ because of my change in heart with ministry, but i believe i’m not doing well with God because i’ve pushed aside what makes me the person God made me so that i can cling on to this idea that organized church ministry (emphasis or organized church bc our lifestyle is a ministry) is all there is to a Christian’s life. but i don’t believe God gave me these interests just to ignore them and press on with ministry because it’s the ‘christian thing to do.’ so i guess i’m at a point where i want to be able to use all my interests and make it my life’s mission to do it all in a way that pleases God and the Church. even the small things like planning game night where we get to fellowship with ppl we don’t normally talk to over a medium that brings is together.
this past weekend i went to florida with my good friend daria. honestly, i was a bit nervous at first going on a 3 day trip with only one other person. the socially awkward part of me was thinking “i can’t hold a convo with a person for 3 days” and the introverted part of me was thinking, “nor do i want to!” but i was reminded very quickly that daria is also introverted and both of us feel comfortable enough that silences aren’t awkward. so yay.
things i learned on the trip:
- if daria was a guy, she’d date her female self
- usa women’s softball team is full of tall hot women who could be models
- laying on the shore like a beached whale is money: you work on your tan while staying cool in the water
- we can leave ny and not think about anything, but coming back, all those problems bite you in the ass with a vengeance
reflecting on today, i realized that i had a lot of quality conversations which… i don’t have very often. i think the last one i had was a very nice cherry on top so i thought i’d share.
on the train ride home, i normally keep to myself, think about my day, what i did, what i should or shouldn’t have done, etc. almost give myself a little critique of my actions. but instead, this woman sits down next to me, then realizing her phone just died, asks if she can use mine to call home so she can have someone pick her up. i offer because that situation has happened to me more times than i’d like and i know what that feels like. after she’s done using my phone, she strikes up conversation with me by asking “so do you go to school in the city?” i laugh it off and tell her that i can understand why she’d think that since i’m carrying around a backpack. we start sharing about our lives and i realized that it’s so much easier to talk to a complete stranger! she’s a 30 yr old 2nd generation korean woman who went to undergrad for american history, went to law school, took and passed the bar, was offered and accepted a job, but then changed her mind before she even started. she decided that she wanted to go into journalism and is currently taking a photography class at ICP (a school that lets you borrow a camera btw, so pretty awesome) and then starts journalism school in september. we talked about how she wanted to go into public defense but realized it wasn’t defending ppl in prison she wanted to do but to be able to tell their stories. i told her i used to be a legal recruiter, we talked about that for a bit, and i told her how i was a social work major, went into recruiting, and now i think i want to go into event planning. then she said something really profound to me, “you’re 25… you can do anything. when i was 25, i didn’t know what i wanted to do at 30. but now that i’m 30, i know what i want to do at 35.”
for some reason, that just clicked in my head and my worries about life didn’t seem so big anymore. i realize that i grew up in a pretty conventional way: go to grade school, graduate, go to college, graduate, get a job, and just move up in the world. that was my train of thought and that’s the lifestyle of many people around me. so when i deviate from that “plan” i feel like a screw up. but this woman that i spoke with for 30 minutes was able to make me realize and remind me that life isn’t always like that nor does it have to be.
so people may not see me as a music junky (which i’m not, so good job!) but when i hear a band that i like, i tend to listen to it over and over again. recently i’ve been listening to angels and airwaves. i’ve asked around and it seems like no one has ever heard of them, which is completely bizarre to me. if i love them then well, the world must also! anyway, nothing really to say about them except… go forth and buy their music!
