i would suggest reading all of it, but my favorite part:

For most of us, our relationship with the Lord is the most sacred one that we have. Please, please, don’t criticize that relationship as well. Don’t tear down the one relationship where we feel loved and accepted. Even if you mean well, just don’t do it.

God, I hope you’re not playing tricks on me!

o taste and see that the Lord is good to me

grow my heart for others and teach me how to love the way you love a sinner like me.

hurt. alone. broken. tired. bitter. depressed.

i serve. i pray. i laugh. i spend most of my waking hours doing “your work.”
yet i’m still here alone.  no one knows me.  no one cares.

i dream of days when i leave and never come back.
who would care?  who would notice?

i know i shouldn’t care.  i know i should only care for you.
no earthly treasures.  in you my hope lies.

we’re so close that it’s complicated yet simple

you know how to hurt me but you also know how to love me.  and often times, even when i annoy you, you choose love

i know when you’re annoyed at me but choose not to show it.  not because you’re passive, but because you choose to show me mercy

you are the one that i love and i think you love me too.  but you’ve chosen another

people said that if we got too close, i’d be the one to get hurt

i told them that

i know when i get in too deep
i know how to pull back
i know what my limits are

i know
but i chose to ignore

because even though i hurt now, i loved every minute of our friendship and wouldn’t change this pain, sadness, and void in my heart that i feel now for anything

on august 28, 2010 at 4:35am, i got my very first nephew.  noah hyungwoo kim.  all 7lbs 9oz. and 21″ of goodness.  i never thought i could love someone the way i love him.  it’s a strange feeling for someone who doesn’t handle emotions very well, haha.

my sister has her own frightening side of the story when it comes to her labor, but this is mine… the weekend noah was born, i had a church leadership retreat.  when news came that my sister was having contractions, i was automatically hit with a lot of emotions – excitement, fear, nervousness.  soon, i started getting texts from my bro-in-law with updates.  the last text i got from him was about how there were some complications bc the umbilical cord was wrapped around the baby’s neck and my sister had to get a c-section instead.  i started crying out of fear and all i could think was “i don’t care it’s 2am, i’m picking up and driving down RIGHT NOW!”  i came to my senses and realized little noah and my sister needed my prayers more than my presence.  so instead, i found a quiet place at the retreat site and just prayed.  in the midst of my prayers, worse case scenarios started popping into my head which made me freak out even more and pray even more for protection over them.   i finally got a text message around 5am that my nephew was born… my sister had to get a c-section, but all parties were healthy.  that saturday, after i gave my little speech at the retreat, i jetted off for va and got to meet my nephew for the first time.  i stayed there until tuesday the following week but bc i missed him so much, that sunday, i left church and jumped on a bus to go down and visit again

he’s now a month old and he is getting taller and chubbier!

my bil is away on business this week so i’ve been down here attempting to help out.  seeing the day in and out of having a baby, i have to give my sister props.  the simple things in life like going to the supermarket becomes quite difficult but she’s managing.  yay to her!

i heart noah… and i hope one day, before he’s even able to speak, he’ll recognize me and know how much he means to me.

during this trip, i learned that columbia really is for smart ppl.  i can’t even pinpoint a topic of convo that made me think this, but it just felt like it.  everything from the jokes that were made, the efficiency in making sandwiches, and the engineer minds going to work for putting up a tent.  in a way, i felt comfortable with this group which is weird.  did i miss my calling?  haha, who knows.

in this environment though, i realized how pompous i can sound.  being an intj, i know what i know and i know what i don’t know, and it just so happened that a lot of the things that came up were things that i knew.  not sure if i liked weekend terri.

nevertheless, fun times were had and there are definitely many stories to tell from this trip.  until next year!

God’s been opening up some deep parts of my heart i haven’t really allowed myself to feel in a while or given my brain a chance to think about it.  growing up without much of a father figure, i recently realized i really didn’t know what “God the Father” really meant.  i didn’t know what it meant to depend on a father, to have that intimacy, to seek advice.  seems like a very obvious side effect considering my upbringing, but i guess it’s taken me a while to really understand what that means for how i treat God.  i seek approval rather than love and independence rather than community.  understanding more of God as Father, as my Dad, has deepened my intimacy with Him and has brought our relationship to a point where i can better understand Him and His love.  not just love but also His discipline, jealousy, and protection.

aweeesommmme

i went boarding yesterday and i didn’t suck as much as i thought i would!  woooo!!  i did have one bad fall though, and now my buttocks hurts.

it’s been a lot of fun getting to know them.  i experienced for the first time what it’s like to have a big family.  michelle married into a family with 4 siblings, 3 of which are now married, 1 with children, and their parents were there too for a night.  making meals required a lot of time and we just went through everything so fast! and seriously, i don’t think i’ve ever eaten so much korean food in my life.

12/29-12/30: leaving the poconos, i found out that james (peter’s bro) was going down to VA and they were like “you should come too!”  so i drive up back to ny tues night, repack my things, and head into the city to get work done.  norm keeps me company as i’m taking care of things, and then i sleep over.  next morning, i take a bus nice and early to get to their place by 2pm.

12/30-1/2: it was only 3 days, and we didn’t do anything all that exciting, but it was fun times.  i caught up on my naruto, played a lot of games (poker in particular), slept a lot, and experienced my first sebae.

all in all, i came back refreshed, more korean than i ever thought possible, and now sad to be back in ny.  my friends here are fun, and it’s easy to get caught up in everything here, but i just feel a bit… unsatisfied.  i think this past week showed me what it’s like to have a big family and to actually enjoy spending time with them.  there’s so much love and history between all of them, i guess no friendship can really replace that.